DHARMA - Fighting 101.

There was a fight at work yesterday. One person said something hurtful to another person and the fight escalated in the way such fights often do in a professional environment: with the angry crumpling of paper and throwing (but missing) the wastebasket.

I love fights. I know it's not "appropriate" to encourage fighting, but I think fights are awesome. Which is why Jersey Shore is amazing. Someone is always hitting someone and I am on the couch eating popcorn and can't get enough (of the fight and the popcorn).

I don't love the actual violence of a fight. I just think it's a more efficient way of releasing one's anger. The intellectual fights are just not as satisfying. You always leave feeling like you could have phrased something better or should have brought out a more clever argument. But if you leave a real fight having punched some guy in the face, you're like "Hell, yeah, I punched the dude! Right in the face!"

But I was not jazzed about this fight. I am not interested in witnessing an intellectual battle of two co workers.

It's awkward when two people are intellectually fighting in close proximity to you over something that is totally irrevelant to you. What is the protocol in that situation, you ask? I have come up with two simple steps. I call this "How to politely stand next to a fight."

1) Remain neutral. The key to neutrality is to avoid eye contact. I can avoid eye contact like a pro. But this is not enough. 2) Appear busy and use props. It needs to look like something more important than the fight is going on right in front of you. It is often a good idea to use the items on your desk to appear busy. I began to look very carefully at my notes. Then I took a piece of tape and covered a sentence in my notes. Then I stapled the piece of paper to itself. Then I took out my tiny gavel and began pounding it. Then I drank some water. Then I put on lip gloss and wrote with a red sharpie. By that point, the crumpled paper was on the floor next to my trashcan and I was safe and fully hydrated once again. But also secretly hoping that one of them would deck the other one. :)