I started this blog with the goal of attempting to bring a bit of balance to my life and to do so by examining my experiences through the purusarthas - or the four aims of life: duty, wealth, pleasure and liberation. My hope was that these reflections would resonate with others and that they would find some comfort in reading them. Now, at the end of this year-long journey, as I comb through old half-finished blog posts, it seems fitting to share them with you, and to try and tie them all together.
KAMA & ARTHA - Secrets (February 2010): One day at my old job, I was on the hunt for some coffee when by chance I discovered a beautiful place across the street from my building. It was the lobby of the Palmer House, with its impossibly high ceiling, Grecian frescoes, and tall sofa-style chairs. The furniture was arranged in groups of four, creating an easy atmosphere for small groups to chat or drink. But I loved it because I could sit there and disappear. Many a lunch hour was spent huddled in front of my computer, creating blog posts or reading a good book, while watching tourists mil about the lobby. I began to refer to it as "my secret hiding place." It became my escape; the place where I did my best and deepest thinking. I told no one about it and because of that, it remained special. I think it's important to have a place like this, a hidden space where you can indulge that part of yourself that is inaccessible to others.
DHARMA - Saying yes (July 2010): When my friend Katie told me she wanted us to take a trip to Iceland, I thought she was crazy. But in the spirit of keeping my mind open, I said I would think about it. Not that I was actually going to say yes, I just figured this bought me some time to come up with good reasons to say no. Then I googled "Iceland," saw pictures, and realized that something about this place was magical. Like Harry Potter magical. So I said yes. Without over analyzing or thinking about it too much. This "yes" led Katie to pose more scary questions, such as, "let's go on an overnight hike with an Icelandic hiking group," and "let's climb a glacier," and then, "let's follow these people to their campsite." And for some reason, I kept saying yes.
Katie was right about Iceland. I've never seen a landscape that beautiful or dramatic before. And I would never have seen those wonderful things if I had not just jumped in. There was a moment while I was standing on top of a glacier, looking down on the world when I realized how liberating it is to let go of doubt and just say yes.
MOKSHA - Exits (November 2010): I hate goodbyes. Hate. them. If I could get away with it, I would just use the "french exit," and slip quietly out the back door without anyone noticing. However, I have been told that this is not "thoughtful" or "socially acceptable." So I muddle through goodbyes.
Exits have been on my mind lately as we approach the end of a year and prepare for the beginning of a new one. For as much as I abhor saying goodbye, I love the idea of starting over. I love making plans to rearrange life to look differently, love wiping the slate clean and beginning anew, determined to get it right this time. Love making lists of healthy habits that are life affirming, and vowing to leave behind the parts of myself that are not.
And so, as we approach the end of a year of blogging, I pose the question that applies as equally in yoga as it does in life, and has been the ultimate question in my quest for balance this year: What is more important: rigidity or flexibility?
In yoga, there are poses that require certain parts of your body to remain fixed and rigid, but other parts must remain soft and flexible in order to achieve the asana. It seems so much easier to distinguish between the two in yoga than in life. But really, it is no different. You know which areas in your life demand a certain level of rigidity - the places where you tend to excess; the unhealthy non-life affirming excess that tips you over and destroys any semblance of balance. But yet, too much rigidity also defeats balance, where in becoming too fixated on doing or not doing something, you insulate yourself from trying in the first place, and remain unable to move forward.
Neither is more important than the other: both rigidity and flexibility are needed to create balance. So how do you know which one you need? I think it requires belief that you will figure it out despite the not knowing. This year-long journey has not led to balance itself, but instead to the tools that allow me to work toward balance. I love being surrounded by people, but I have discovered that creating a special place where I can go to find peace is also necessary. Saying yes to new adventures sustains me and allows me to explore new areas of myself, but saying no to those things I recognize as destructive and self-defeating is equally as important.
So, thank you to those who have helped me throw my life out of balance this year and thank you to those who have helped me try and restore it. And mostly, thank you to those of you who have been following this blog. Your comments and encouragement have been the best part of this experience.
So, my wish for us all in the new year is to strive and struggle for sustainable balance, remembering always to breathe, laugh and be kind. Cheers!
(most special thanks to Alisha, Courtney, and Mia for their rigidity and flexibility and to Meghan for giving me space to breathe)
