MOKSHA - Evil thoughts

A friend recently confessed having thoughts she alternatively describes as “evil”, “bad”, and “cruel.” When she shared her secret, I was fully prepared to hear her describe a scene from a horror movie. But her confession merely revealed that she had been dealing with feelings of confusion influenced by hormones and rash decision-making: a pretty typical day in your early 20’s.

Although I have tried to assuage her guilt, she is afraid that confronting her feelings will only create pain for others. She has decided it is better to avoid them all together.

Problem is – avoidance doesn’t get rid of the feelings. They are still there, lurking under the surface like tiny landmines. I know from personal experience as well as countless romantic comedies that you can pretend all you want that you aren’t really interested in that CEO of a Barnes and Noble-type corporation or that guy who designs masculine furniture pieces, owns a dog and has a country cabin, but eventually you’re going to end up getting drunk and yelling “I love you!” outside his apartment or running into him at the park when his adorable golden retriever brings you together again.

Bottom line: every emotion you have is a valid emotion. Period. There is no such thing as a feeling that is good or bad, right or wrong. Feelings just are. Feelings strain against the cages of shame and guilt; they want to be allowed to roam around for a while, they want to cozy up to you on the couch and relax, they want to notify you of their presence and have you pay attention to them. That’s all. They just need to be given air and brought to light in order to fulfill their duty. When we start to deny them their birthright, we also tend to pick up unhealthy habits to help us continue the cycle of repression. Self-loathing and self-punishing behaviors that allow us to turn against ourselves because we feel undeserving.

So, how do you cross the gulf from self-punishment to self-acceptance? Face those feelings. Let them give voice to what they must say. They are mini-kamikaze fighters who must crash their planes into the ground and be done. Let them. And when the dust settles and you can open your eyes again, you can come out to deal with any destruction they have left in their wake. The important part is that you will be able to come out. You will be there to face the damage in front of you, instead of constantly waiting for it to come crashing down. You can begin to breathe again and rebuild.

“Sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness.” Allow yourself to feel the range of your emotions and you will see your true self, complete with all your flaws and mistakes and hurts and disappointments. Lovely the way you are.

MOKSHA - Home practice

Starting one’s own yoga practice is a bit like starting one’s own blog: you begin with all these thoughts, but halfway through you have no idea where you are going.

Cultivating a self-taught yoga practice has been a pretend goal of mine since I started doing yoga. I say pretend goal because it should be a goal – it’s cheaper, you can do it from the comfort of your own home and you don’t have to worry about people seeing your boobs if your shirt flies up when you’re upside down.

Despite these obvious benefits, I have never really been moved to practice by myself. At first, I thought it was because I was kind of a slacker – that’s why I wouldn’t do all the poses, wouldn’t hold them for as long, would always opt to skip the vinyasa and just move into the next asana. But that’s only part of the reason.

It really has to do with energy and space.

There is a certain level of camaraderie with fellow yoga practitioners. Don’t get me wrong – yoga peeps are not a warm and friendly bunch. People will smile at you, say “hello” but ain’t no friends being made in yoga class. Even so, the presence of other people moving through the poses and focusing on their breath gives off an energy in the room. Everyone present can take from that energy and use it in their practice. When you first begin to do yoga, you may be too self-conscious to be aware of this, but once you are there for a while and can settle into the flow of class, you will begin to perceive a hint of gratitude flowing through each person. Gratitude for the space, the quiet time, the marvel that is your own body creating these movements.

There is also something special about the space itself. Entering a yoga studio is a bit like entering a church or a temple; there is a sacred feel to the space. You can put a treadmill in your second bedroom and run while your girlfriend is on the computer, but yoga cannot be practiced this way. It is important to not only have a quiet space, but one that takes you away from your world for a bit.

This week I attempted to replicate the energy and sacredness of a yoga class at home. While in supta baddha konasana, my dog came over and began licking my face, my brother’s alarm starting blaring and my dad yelled “hey, you want more coffee?”

You know, for now, I think I’m just gonna keep going to yoga class.

DHARMA - Brothers

I had just walked in the house from a defeating day. All I wanted to do was get into my pjs, curl up in my bed and fall asleep. I took off my coat, threw my purse down and started up to my room. Then my brother walked over, put his arm around me and said, “Do you know what you need?” “What?” I replied. “A beat down.”

Then suddenly, he had his arms around my shoulders and in one move, lifted me onto his back, then pretended to slam me onto the floor, and repeated this motion, yelling “Beat down!” while the dog barked furiously and my parents scolded him, pretending that this was inappropriate behavior in our house. By the time he put me down, I was smiling again. I gave him a big hug, told him I felt better, then with my sweetest face looked at him and said, “Cobra Strike!” and launched my hand, which was bent to resemble the head of a cobra, straight into his chest. “Damn,” he said, “you got me.”

Brothers, unlike any other man in the life of a woman, can tackle you, grapple with you, pick you up and spin you around, and fight with you, all without incurring a phone call to the police or a restraining order. They may be the first ones to physically assault you, but brothers are also the first ones to rush to your defense, give you the rest of their fries, or just let you talk, even when it’s boring or they don’t feel like listening. They are treasures.

For you women who don’t have brothers or for you men who don’t have sisters, you may find this all a little horrifying. But I assure you; both kindness and physical violence are important parts of how brothers show their sisters they love and care about them.

And I strive to be a good older sister, too. I discourage him from making bad choices, but can’t stop laughing when he tells me the stories that ensue when he does. I talk to him about his job, friends, life, but don’t push him when I get one-word responses. I adore, yes, really adore his girlfriend. And once in a while, I sneak up behind him and punch him really hard in the back, just to remind him how much I love him.

MOKSHA - Timing

I have always liked the phrase “timing is everything.” I like it because it implies that encounters with others are outside of your control. In fact, the times that I have tried to manipulate timing so that I magically appeared at the bus stop when he was getting home from work, or just happened to run into him at the post office, have blown up in my face, been palpably awkward, or just plain didn’t work.

My new favorite guilty pleasure is reading the “missed encounters” section on craigslist. These are tiny gems of timing failures:

“I was getting on the elevator in the lobby, and you held the door for me, around 3:30pm or so on Thursday. I had long brown hair and a dark gray coat. You had a dark suit on, and smelled so, so good. I know we only crossed paths for a second, but would love to chat sometime if you're interested.......”

These encounters leave you reeling, and you can’t often articulate why. You know only that you felt the brief spark of a real connection. And for days afterwards, you ask yourself over and over again why you didn’t say something in the moment. Maybe you were surprised, you were distracted, you were in a rush. There are a million reasons to explain why two strangers can’t form the words to address each other.

Or maybe it’s because that simply wasn’t your moment. We have a hard time recognizing that you can have a chance encounter with an intriguing person that will never develop into more than that. But instead of chalking it up to “it wasn’t meant to be,” there is a part of us that wants to force it into being. The moment seemed so perfect; the guy seemed like the right kind of guy. Everything had so much potential.

So to all the “missed encounter” people who are going to keep pursuing the lost moment: Forge ahead if you must! Post your personal information on the internet in the hopes that the other person is trolling for it. But to the rest of you: be gentle with yourselves, absorb the moment, and then let it pass you by.

And to Meredith with the ripped-up nikes, there is a man on the blue line thinking about you. And to sad, scruffy Hyde Park produce guy, you have a secret admirer in the milk aisle.