MOKSHA - Evil thoughts

A friend recently confessed having thoughts she alternatively describes as “evil”, “bad”, and “cruel.” When she shared her secret, I was fully prepared to hear her describe a scene from a horror movie. But her confession merely revealed that she had been dealing with feelings of confusion influenced by hormones and rash decision-making: a pretty typical day in your early 20’s.

Although I have tried to assuage her guilt, she is afraid that confronting her feelings will only create pain for others. She has decided it is better to avoid them all together.

Problem is – avoidance doesn’t get rid of the feelings. They are still there, lurking under the surface like tiny landmines. I know from personal experience as well as countless romantic comedies that you can pretend all you want that you aren’t really interested in that CEO of a Barnes and Noble-type corporation or that guy who designs masculine furniture pieces, owns a dog and has a country cabin, but eventually you’re going to end up getting drunk and yelling “I love you!” outside his apartment or running into him at the park when his adorable golden retriever brings you together again.

Bottom line: every emotion you have is a valid emotion. Period. There is no such thing as a feeling that is good or bad, right or wrong. Feelings just are. Feelings strain against the cages of shame and guilt; they want to be allowed to roam around for a while, they want to cozy up to you on the couch and relax, they want to notify you of their presence and have you pay attention to them. That’s all. They just need to be given air and brought to light in order to fulfill their duty. When we start to deny them their birthright, we also tend to pick up unhealthy habits to help us continue the cycle of repression. Self-loathing and self-punishing behaviors that allow us to turn against ourselves because we feel undeserving.

So, how do you cross the gulf from self-punishment to self-acceptance? Face those feelings. Let them give voice to what they must say. They are mini-kamikaze fighters who must crash their planes into the ground and be done. Let them. And when the dust settles and you can open your eyes again, you can come out to deal with any destruction they have left in their wake. The important part is that you will be able to come out. You will be there to face the damage in front of you, instead of constantly waiting for it to come crashing down. You can begin to breathe again and rebuild.

“Sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness.” Allow yourself to feel the range of your emotions and you will see your true self, complete with all your flaws and mistakes and hurts and disappointments. Lovely the way you are.