DHARMA - Relationships

Human beings are messy creatures. We are this jumble of emotions, hormones, thoughts and feelings, which can make us both fun at karaoke bars and walking minefields. We set noble intentions for ourselves, then add alcohol, dancing, and a credit card and wonder why we woke up in New Jersey married to some dude with a Calvin and Hobbes tattoo. We believe that we will always make good decisions that fulfill us and don't cause harm to those we love. In short, we are crazy.

Despite this, I do find that people generally aim to do what will cause the least amount of harm to others. However, we are driven by complex motivations, and there exist parts of ourselves that desire immediate fulfillment, despite the damage it may cause. For example, right now I desire to eat the rest of my roommate's hummus. But I know she will come home and be mad. But it's "Sabra" roasted garlic hummus, so it might be worth it.

I have always felt that Karma was the cosmic justice that would restore the balance in our lives for both the good and bad things we did to each other. Not the Hindu version of Karma, but the lapsed-Catholic superstitious version, which strongly resembles "death" in the movie "Final Destination." A Karma that seeks revenge.

I have been targeted by this Karma before. In those moments when I thought that I was safe from it, that whatever I'd done happened so long ago that Karma couldn't possibly remember, it appeared like a ninja and threw a ninja star right in my face.

Then, when I was in law school, I thought I could outwit Karma by offering tiny "karmic donations" into the universe to make up for all the bad shit I was inevitably going to do later. Especially around exam time when I needed extra good karma, I would buy Streetwise magazines from homeless people and over tip the baristas at Starbucks. Essentially, I would try and buy myself good karma.

Karma, however, was not down with this plan. Karma had other ideas for me that involved my wallet getting stolen from my purse in the second floor women's bathroom at law school. Fine, Karma, you win.

I don't think Karma rules relationships between people, though. There is something else that is a far more beautiful way of restoring balance between the hurt people inflict upon each other. Grace. Unearned forgiveness. An unspoken blessing passed between two people. Acknowledging the existence of a hurt and quietly setting it aside. I think the gift of grace between two people is the single most beautiful act of love.

And so - to those in my life who are falling in love - enjoy! And remember in the moment you are first hurt by an unkind word, or an angry response, grace is the bridge that allows you to come back to each other. Through grace, you have the power to block the ninja star of Karma, that would otherwise demand retribution.

And to those in my life who are not sure if they can remain in love - grace toward yourself is a way to move beyond guilt and allow yourself to breathe again.

And to the rest of you who are somewhere in between - try and make peace with your Karma, however it is that you can. Ignoring your trespasses on the universe will only provoke it more. So on this Valentine's Day, offer Karma some flowers, take it out to dinner - do what you have to do. But treat it like a fragile girlfriend for a while and you will avoid being struck by lightening on your way home from the gym.